by Scoliwings 

“nameless's thoughts on gender”

Written on January 16, 2022.

(Nameless) A few thoughts on gender. For context, I was replying to a conversation on a Discord server about this article on growing up as a closeted trans woman. Fair warning that the linked article is very heavy in many ways that I'm not quite sure how to describe, but it seems like a harrowing life experience to go through. Kyka found my words very insightful, and wanted me to share them here as well. You don't have to read this heavy article in order to understand my train of thought here, but I thought including it was important.
[ This makes me think that I am neither cis nor trans, and I wonder if it's possible for there to ever be a society where neither of those words are a thing. There just shouldn't be such a big split... ]

A friend of our system asks what I meant by that, what was my thought process relating to the article?

I take some time to think over the questions as I walk on my way somewhere.

[ It makes me think about my own childhood, and how, yes, while I did technically have a girlhood, as this article defines it-- I didn't feel particularly connected to this identity. I like the thought that when people look at me, the first thing they see is not any gender, not any gender identity connected to anything -- but they see me. It doesn't feel like I grew up as a cis girl at all. There were a lot of different interests I was allowed to have that weren't connected to being a girl at all. I simply enjoyed who I was, and I still enjoy who I am right now. ]

[ I'd been gone for seven years before 2022. I see everyone else thinking about it so much, and it seems like it was just never a thing that occurred to me or impacted me in a significant way personally. Whereas my wingmates have stronger gender feelings because... I suppose I don't understand this well. The more rigid divisions of gendered activities happened shortly before I stopped existing for that period of time after age 13. Teenagers become more fixated on labels, on their status in society. Why would I want to be known as something I can't control? ]

[ Why should anyone be judged for that? ]

[ ...and, consequently, I'm not trans for the same reason i'm not cis. Who I am hasn't changed in a significant capacity as far as I know. So, I'm me. I will continue to be the same me that always has been. ]

[ Cis is something that's assigned to you from birth, right? But no one assigned me myself. I developed this on my own. No one else can grant me that selfhood and personhood. ]

[ Does that make sense? ] I ask the friend. They think so, but they need to mull it over. They had been using the word "trans" as unquestioningly as the way that transphobic people use the words "male" and "female" - they add, while identifying as trans is great, it still defines one by their body. I elaborate further.

[ "Trans"... as a body... I don't believe that either. My wingmates have shown me that gender can be disconnected from the body. It is more a very large shift in your sense of identity and perhaps of self -- maybe you feel like you need a change, or this change calls out to you. You change radically as a result of... a feeling somewhere in yourself? And that feeling may or may not be connected to your body. Maybe I'm misdefining it...? Ah, presentation, that's it? ]

[ It is a huge shift in your perception of yourself. It's a radical change to your worldview. That seems like the experience of being trans to me. ]

[ But my self-perception, and worldview, hasn't changed for me. Gender is the same as it always has been. I find it strange that more people are thinking about it so much these days. It's not bad, it's just an odd change that occurred while I wasn't present. ]

[ These labels help a lot of people. But in the same breath, they harm a lot of people. ]